Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
