This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
