I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
