haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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