You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
