i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
