life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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