just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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