he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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