I hate your face
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
