Dude my mom stole all your condoms
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize