I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can text with my tongue
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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