woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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