Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
