Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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