sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
