We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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