Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
