Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
