If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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