Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize