shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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