Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
