Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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