hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize