mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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