I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
