Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
