I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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