Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize