My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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