Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
