you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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