Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
