happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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