Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just blew my weed a kiss
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
