I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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