if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
