Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize