we should wear snuggies to the strip club
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
