is your mom at the bar?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
