CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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