So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
