Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
