i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
