She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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