It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
