Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
