last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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