I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
