Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
