My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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