Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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