you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
