FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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