Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
