Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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