So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
