dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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