Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
