i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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