I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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