im about as happy as oj after his trial
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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